Help Wanted

Help Wanted

Are you hungry for power? Willing to sell your soul and ignore the little people? Well then do we have an opportunity for you!


Job: Republican Presidential Nominee


Qualifications: Must be well educated, soft spoken, controllable, preferably young and perhaps child of immigrants. Must also accept bribes, disregard large swaths of the electorate, value power over principals, be comfortable with lying (but maintain the veneer of honesty), not come from an established political family, nor have the last name of Trump. Or Cruz. Especially Cruz. And not you either Rubio. Preferably a governor of a moderate state. Must be willing to appear sexist on national T.V. once forced to attack Hillary Clinton. Must not be afraid of the well oiled Clinton machine. Must be able to avoid robotic gaffes, be bland enough to appeal to a majority of the electorate, and have the general qualities of a hand puppet.
Contact Information: If interested, please contact us at or reach us by phone at 1-800-BrokerThatConvention. To show support for our efforts, use #NeverTrumpNeverCruz, #SuppressThatDemocracy, and #WePromiseWe’llSealTheBorderEventuallyNowFallInLinePeasents.

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