Help Wanted: White House Vacancy

Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton (L) and Bernie Sanders (R) confer during the NBC News -YouTube Democratic Candidates Debate on January 17, 2016 at the Gaillard Center in Charleston, South Carolina. / AFP / TIMOTHY A. CLARY (Photo credit should read TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/Getty Images)

A socialist, a clown, a preacher, and an emotionless robot walk into Iowa. While this may sound like the set up to an entertaining joke, it actually reflects the sad state of the race for President of the United States which has melted down to the point where most voters are of the opinion that ALL the candidates are a bad idea to put into the White House. For the love of everything rational the two leading candidates in Iowa are an avowed socialist and the host of Celebrity Apprentice. At least we can hope for some moderate and inspiring challengers right? Right?

However, their challengers are in fact far from inspiring unless you’re a born again Christian or a white woman over fifty whose most exciting part of the day is The View. Ted Cruz is more of a minister than a politician, hoping to raise the literal body of Christ to win the election, while Hillary Clinton might as well be marketed as the world’s first emotionless robot. For the love of god Siri has more appeal than Secretary Clinton does to the average voter. Sadly, there might not be anyone else. Sure, other candidates remain in the race, but none commands any sort of following that seems capable of challenging the four frontrunners.

The Republican field is still gigantic, with such illustrious names like Jeb! Bush, Marco Rubio, and Ben Carson leading the charge. However, Mr. Carson is of the opinion that the Pyramids of Egypt aren’t tombs but stored grain, Mr. Rubio is the last hope of the Republican establishment which is still clinging desperately to the notion that the Trump bubble will burst any day now, and Jeb!s last name is Bush. Need I say more?

On the Democratic side, the only alternative is Martin O’Malley, whose poll numbers are so low they’re right next to dinosaur bones.

Some other minor candidates remain, but they are still in the race for reasons known only to themselves. When we swear in the next President, they shall be addressed one of four ways. Either as His Holiness for Pope Cruz, Her Highness for the anointed Queen Clinton, Comrade, for Brother Sanders, or Bozo the Clown for the Donald. And the worst part, this is not a joke. Each and every poll points to one of these four dominating their fields with absolutely no other challengers in sight.

Pardon me real fast while I go renew my passport and prep myself to expatriate.

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